Pick Up Lines
by Sevvy101
Summary: Because we know Noah Puckerman has a back pocket full of one-liners.  A series of short drabbles involving Puck and Kurt and hideously crude and cheesy pick up lines. Sometimes I'll throw a bunch into one chapter, other times space 'em out.  Rating Varies
1. Chapter 1

"Hey Hummel." Puck sat down next to Kurt on the Hummel-Hudson family couch, nearly on top of the slender boy despite the vacant cushion to his left.

"What is it, Puckerman?" Kurt looked up from where he was reading Vogue to look at Noah quizzically, eyebrow rising in question.

"Clearly, I'm Jewish. Are you?"

"You know the answer is no. Is there a point to this conversation, Noah?" Still, Kurt's eyebrow was raised in curiosity as his patience was tried.

"Would you like some in you?" This time, Puck's eyebrow raised, but not in a puzzled manner like Kurt's, the suggestive undertone to his sentence loud and clear.

"How in the hell am I supposed to even respond to that?"

"It's a simple question, Princess. Either you want some Jew in you, or you don't." Puck began to stand up, but not before placing his right hand on Kurt's left knee and squeezing tightly. "You know where to find me when you make up your mind."

A blush grazed Kurt's cheeks as he watched the other boy saunter off towards Finn's room. He knew Puck knew he was watching, and damn him if he didn't put on a show as Kurt's eyes nearly burned a whole in his damn-near perfect backside.

* * *

><p>"I may be Spiderman, but that's not a web I shot in your eye."<p>

"I am never giving you a blowjob again."

"Don't say that, you _love_ giving Puckasaurus a good kiss." Puck pulled Kurt up from his knees and reached for the washcloth they left next to the Hummel's bed to help clean his lover up.

"Doesn't mean I have to love crude pick up lines or nearly losing my vision when you lose any and all sense of the world when coming." Kurt rolled his eyes as Puck gingerly wiped away his near dry come from his porcelain skin. "I'll have to moisturize extra hard tonight, you know."

"And you'll love every second of it." Noah smiled—not a rude smile, or a mean one; just a small quirk of the lips that did no justice in showing how much care he had for the boy in his lap—before placing a soft kiss to Kurt's cheek.

"One of these days you're going to repay me for this, Puckerman." Kurt sighed as Puck placed a kiss on his opposite cheek and forehead.

"Whatever you say, Princess."

"I mean it. And you'll probably wind up being some type of cock-slut, and wanting nothing more than to suck me off every time you lay eyes on my smokin' hot body." A twinkle of humor shone brightly in Kurt's eyes as he locked eyes with his lover.

"Damn, you're even starting to talk like me. One of these days, those idiots in Glee will notice and totally start to catch on to our little love affair."

"I'd like to see them try." Kurt placed a kiss on Puck's nose before smiling sweetly.

"Is that what you really want for me to do to you, though?" Puck asked, sincerity clear in his voice. "You know I'd do anything to give you pleasure. Even if it means sucking dick."

"I was only teasing, love." Breaking their locked eyes, Kurt leaned towards his night stand and grabbed something from an empty bowl they had placed earlier in the evening, nearly forgotten. "Wanna spoon?"

As the Hummel teen winked at him, Puck laughed openly. "You're definitely my boy."

* * *

><p>"Yo, Hummel!"<p>

"What is it, Noah?"

"Have you done any food shopping lately?"

"Why do you care? Planning to come over and have a video game marathon with Finn only to have your butt kicked and handed to you by me again after raiding our entire pantry?"

"Not that that doesn't sound appealing and appetizing, but no."

"Why do you wish to know, then?"

"Because, Princess." Puck stepped in front of Kurt, blocking the boys' path and stopping both teens in their tracks as they reached Kurt's locker. "I wanna bag you like some groceries." Rather than wait for a response, Puck winked at Kurt before sauntering away.

"Could you be any more crude, Puckerman?" Kurt's exclamatory shout rang loud and clear down the hallway, merely causing the other teen to smirk, confidence and satisfaction growing by the second as he headed for his next class. Kurt hadn't said no.

* * *

><p>"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"<p>

"Puckerman, quit while you're ahead. You already got me to accept your proposition for a date tomorrow night, do _not_ push your luck with a cheesy pick up line like that. I know you're more creative than that." Kurt rolled his eyes at Puck's use of the outdated one-liner.

"I think you just dropped something—"

"You're jaw? Maybe you shouldn't suck so much dick than, Noah." With a loud and exaggerated sigh, Kurt walked into the choir room with Puck on his heels.

"Baby, are you tired?"

"Because you've been running around my mind all day? Really, are you for real, Puck?" Taking his seat in the first row, Kurt looked up at Noah as he joined him to his right. "What, did you google search for hideously horrible pick up lines?"

Noah didn't reply, merely staring into Kurt's eyes for a few more seconds before the boy in question let out an exasperated groan of frustration. "Don't you even _dare_ say Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home. I _will_ rip your balls off, and I'll do so gleefully."

"You wouldn't dare do that, babe." Puck leaned back in his chair, spreading his legs out as he got comfortable.

"What makes you so sure?"

"I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out." Puck's trademark smirk sneakily made its way onto his features as the rest of the club trickled into the classroom. He had won this round, if only by default.

* * *

><p>"Hey Hummel." Puck's voice rang down the empty hallway, startling the other teenager.<p>

"What, Noah?" Without turning around to face his classmate, Kurt merely stopped in his tracks and waited for Puck's answer.

"Nice ass."

Kurt was happy he hadn't turned around to face his past-tormentor, as his pale skin quickly began to heat up in embarrassment. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>AN I plan to write more to this. Kind of like a never-ending drabble series. I know, I should have just made a giant document of these and posted it at once, but whatever. I'm a review-whore. As well, if you have any ideas/pick up lines you'd love to share, feel free to! The more crude, the better ; )


	2. Chapter 2

"I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock." Puck wrapped his arm around Kurt's shoulders as he plopped down next to him on the loveseat recliner.

"Either you've been listening to way too much rap music or the MILFs you used to bang let you hang around their children for too long if you're getting lines inspired by old school cartoons." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Does that mean you will or you won't be making a visit to chez Puckerone and letting me help you reach your greatest potential? I can't be the only one wandering how high and breathless your voice would get as you came all over my smokin' body."

"You're lack of care for poetic, traditional courtship is painfully obvious and truth be told, kills my brain cells the more I listen to your crude lines." Despite his biting remark, Kurt leaned against the arm wrapped around him, taking comfort in the heat radiating besides him.

"You don't have to listen to let me fuck you, babe."

"Well when you put it so eloquently like _that_." The sarcasm was clear and evident in the Hummel teen's voice.

"All jokes aside, babe, just say the word and I'll be there to help you let your hair down, forget any ole' Wilma prissy-ass Flinstone."

"How comforting." Closing his eyes as his head fell against the crook in Puck's arm, Kurt sighed deeply. "What are you doing next Friday after Prom?"

* * *

><p>"Looks like stalker-part-time-lover-boy is headed your way, boy." Mercedes let out a low whistle as she spotted Puck coming towards Kurt's locker, the latter boy's back to the Jewish teen.<p>

"What are you talking about?" Kurt asked, eyebrows bunched up in question. His best friend sauntered off with a giggle and a wink before a reply could be had, and before he knew it, one Noah Puckerman had him nearly pinned against the locker he had just closed. "Can I help you, Noah?"

"Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?"

"Do I want to know where you got that line from, Puckerman?" Kurt sighed, trying to keep up his biting remarks as his body began to relish in the feel of the taller boy's body pressing against his.

"Depends, is your name Yolanda?"

"If I said yes, would you leave me alone?"

"Probably not, but nice try."

"It was worth a shot, Noah." The bell rang out, singling the end of the break between classes.

"You know where to find me if your name happens to change, Yolanda." With a wink and nudge with his hip against Kurt's side, Puck spun around and walked in the opposite direction of Kurt's next class. God damn that sly, gorgeous, dog for getting underneath his skin each and every time he pressed himself up close and personal into his body.

* * *

><p>"Do you still have that flannel from your Mellancamp days?" Puck questioned Kurt as the latter teen closed the door to his bedroom.<p>

"Why, feeling inspired?" Kurt laughed as his took a seat on his bed, leaning against his headboard, as Puck took his place opposite him.

"Naw man, I was just curious. Your dad always wears flannel, and then you were too. It made me wonder."

"Wonder what, Noah?"

"If you guys were lumberjacks or something." With a shrug, Puck crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, enjoying the comfort that was Kurt and his cozy ass bedroom.

"Are you shitting me, Puckerman? Lumberjacks? Do you really think I'd allow my dad to lead a life where he starred as a wood-chopping _lumberjack_?" Kurt stared at his love incredulously, glaring as one hazel eyes peeped open to look at the blue-green eyes burning holes into his relaxed face.

"Hey man, I was just wondering. I can't be the first one to have ever asked."

"You'd be surprised, Puckerman."

"Yeah, yeah, well I'm sure I'm not the first one to ever wonder about it, then." Pressing himself into the bed more, Puck let out a contented groan. "What are you doing so far away, get over here."

"I'm practically on top of you, Noah."

"Practically is not close enough; you should know that by now, Princess."

With his own groan, Kurt drew himself closer to Puck. Clearly, wedging himself into his side was not near enough, and the older teen pulled his arms away from holding his head up. Grabbing Kurt and pulling him literally on top of Puck's chest, he cradled the teen in by keeping a strong hold around his toned torso.

"I love us." Kurt sighed pleasurably.

"Hey, babe?" Noah asked as both boys' eyes shut, relishing in the moment of simply lying together without anyone yelling questions or threats at them.

"Yes, Noah?"

"Are you sure your dad's not a lumberjack, because you just gave me some wood."

Maybe it was a good thing that no one else in the Hummel-Hudson household was home at that point, or else the pair would have to deal with numerous questioning faces for just _way_ the sound of Kurt's hand slapping Puck's rang throughout the house. Or, pondering faces demanding to know how real Puck's sincerity for their newly formed relationship was as he let out a slew of curses riddled between chortling laughs in response to the abuse.

* * *

><p>"I would appreciate it if you didn't go putting words into my mouth, Noah."<p>

"Why, prefer to have something else down it?"

"You're just jealous because I refuse to suck you off." Kurt stood with dignified grace as he grabbed his messenger bag and began to leave the choir room, he and Puck being the only two left in the space.

"I think you're more _scared_ of what's hidden beneath my buckle than stubborn and simply refusing, babe." Puck shrugged as he walked next to the teen as they left the room.

"In your dreams, Puckerman."

"Every night, babe. More often than you'd ever imagine, evidently." The way Puck spoke, so nonchalantly, no one passing by would have been able to realize the context of their conversation just by the sounds of it. "You're good at English right?"

"I succeed at nearly every single class here at McKinley with flying colors more bright than the rainbow I leave in my wake, Puck. I thought that was obvious." Kurt rolled his eyes with indignation.

"Sarcastic bitch." Puck leaned against the locker adjacent to Kurt's opened one, staring at the slightly shorter boy intently. "As I was saying, I was wondering if you could help me with something tonight."

"What is it? Can't any of the cheerleaders offer their services to you, or are they sick of your games?"

"As if, dude. You know the majority of them girls are dumb as bricks." Puck's eye roll was a near perfect replication of Kurt's own trademark bitch-please look. "You see, there happens to be a dictionary in my pants."

"_Excuse me_?" Kurt looked up from the binder he was setting on its shelf, to stare open-mouthed at the Jewish boy in front of him.

"I was gonna offer you the chance to go back to my place and put some words in your mouth."

"You can't be serious."

"Or my mouth. You know, if there's a dictionary stuck in your own pants, or you just wanna see what's so great about Puckasaurus that keeps the girls coming back for more each and every time."

"You are so crude it's horrible."

"I take that as a yes?"

"Pick me up at six. I have a paper to write first."

"Are you sure you don't want to do it after? After your vocabulary had a chance to get a mouthful of Puckerman and what its like to be a badass?" Smirking, Noah took Kurt's bag from him and walked the boy out to his Navigator. Whoever said nerdy pick up lines _didn't_ work seriously wasn't as hot or commanding as Noah Puckerman, or else he would have had a whole lot higher of a success rate.

* * *

><p>AN Thank you Eliza for the pick up lines used in the first two installments here. As always, feel free to throw any ideas or requests or rambles my way. I love you all dearly.


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